Thursday, August 3, 2017

Season of Pain and Growth

Much has happened since 2017 started. I was in a relationship that led to an engagement of 5 days when I broke it off. I can't explain the gratitude of the people who surround me with love and prayer. I wouldn't be in the healthy place that I'm in now if it weren't for them.

Since then, I have been battling health issues with dairy. It started out tolerable. But over time, it started to control my energy, focus and even my body. Before I break down this thought further, I will explain that the pain and stress of an abusive relationship can cause massive damage to the human body. I know there are people out there that have experienced it way worse. It's not just physical. Emotional, mental and spiritual abuse as individuals can mess with your health. Add those and many other areas, you get repercussions beyond explaination. You may know some of those people.

Today, specifically, I was not okay. I had M&M's at noon and started to feel worn out. I had asked my coworker to get me a burger and told him no cheese. He had forgotten about it but I still ate it anyway. Hours later I was working on bonding metal in one of the rooms at High Hopes, a marijuana shop. I dropped tons of F bombs and started yelling at the screws and bolts. I had a habit of doing that. It had been a while since I last blew up like that.

Ultimately, it's me and my anger problems. But when I have dairy of any kind, I turn into Hulk. I'm still processing why that's the case. I know that when I do have dairy, my body shuts down. It might be that I can't control my body. That my body functions aren't at 100%.

I haven't always been as disciplined as I am now. At first, I was rebellious towaed my intolerance. I was angry at God for causing this to happen to me. I'm mostly over it. I would have dairy daily. Denial and passivity were my friends. I didn't want to believe it. When I finally owned up to the fact that I was "one of those people," I began to see how much it effected me. Right before I quit, I had a month or more period that I had felt numb. Physically numb. Emotionally. Spiritually. I had lost myself. This is the effect of the stress of my last relationship. That's the short answer to a long history of abuse. If you would like the longer answer, let's have coffee!

There is a deeper, significant meaning to this whole picture that I'm not seeing completely. There is a reason that I am going through this. In fact, there are many, many reasons. One of the many blessings that I've seen is the ability to relate to my oldest sister. One of the health issues she is having is dairy. It has opened up a deeper relationship between us. One of the meanings of realtionship is to relate.

What I really wanted to share and break down is the victory that I've experienced. I haven't really mentioned God in any of this. I didn't see Him in this beginning but that doesn't mean He wasn't there. He certainly is in the victories. It's funny that what you focus on expands. When struggles come, my focus leaves. When God steps in, my focus returns.

A lesson I've been learning and am still learning is to keep my eyes on Him through the storm and the still. It is then and there that I see where He is through it all.

It has been about 2 weeks when I finally became serious about cutting dairy out of my diet. I made about 94 commitments to doing that but I finally started watching myself. Over the last 2 weeks, crazy results have been happening. My energy is getting better. My overall health is amazing. I feel different. I am able to face the battles in my life instead of focusing solely on me. I would get tired early and sleep late. Last week, I slept 7 hours without an alarm on the weekend. It was AMAZING!! I had energy in the morning and throughout the day.

Since then, I have been going through intense trials with relationships and recovery. God has overcome every single one of them. I am starting to trust God more and more and see that He is faithful. He will let me go through a trial, I give Him control and work through me. Next trial, same thing.With every battle comes the pain of growth in many forms. The last few days have been letting go of my right to pursue women. It is fun to meet strangers and get to know them to see if they are "compatible." But the Holy Spirit convicted me of that through one of my mentors. Just as Adam was put to sleep while God created Eve, so I am asking Abba to put me to sleep until the time of love is present. So ladies, I'm sorry, this single man is taken. You will have to take it up with Him if you have a problem with that. Men, read up on that story and ask Abba what you should do with that. It sucks. I hate it with all of my being because I am attracted to women and desire a wife. But moreover, He put that desire in me and therefore, knows what I need. I seriously am excited to meet and marry my wife. Until then, my calling is for and now for my God. Even when I am married. But at that time, I will have someone to share His love with on a deeper level and intimately.

With that, I will end this post and continue on with my story later! I love every single one of you and appreciate your time. Please let me know what you think. How you liked it. How you didn't like it. How much you love pizza!

You are awesome!