Sunday, March 20, 2016

I Confess

Lately, I've had such joy; I confess. But just like Colorado, that season can change in an instant. You create that joy by the steps that you take. Don't get me wrong, God is the creator of joy. He gives it to us. In His presence is the fullness of joy.

I have surrendered my life to Him. He promises that when anyone gives up their life, they may receive true life. But our actions have consequences. Both good and bad. Surrendering your life will in turn give you life. Keeping your life will in turn cause you to lose it. Blah blah blah. I know Michael. Stay with me. Before I tell you my story, I want you to know this: my goal is to be vulnerable and honest.

This last Friday (2 days ago), I was almost in 2 car accidents. On the first incident, I was driving down from Denver day dreaming when someone slammed on their breaks and I almost hit them as I slammed on my breaks. It wasn't just me. Many people behind me mirrored me and I imagine it was the same ahead of me. The second time, it would have been my fault; I confess. I was coming out of the Walmart parking lot and was stopped at the stoplight. My roommate at the time was right next to me and as soon as the light turned green, off we went. I confess, I am a street racer at heart. I love the adrenaline. I love speeding. I love passing aggressively. I love racing other racers. It feels good. If you feel the need to judge, please do. I'm being vulnerable and honest. The problem is that I don't see the consequences until right before they come.

We race a couple of times and just about every time, he beat me. I found out later that he had a V6 (6 cylinders) and mine was a small 2.0L 4 Cylinder engine (slower engine). The higher the cylinders, the faster the car. We were on highway 24 heading to Peyton. David was behind me and there were 2 cars ahead of me going 62 in a 65. I find the opportune moment when the street line was broken and the path was clear; except the hill. As I pass them, a car comes over the small yet non visible hill. I hit about 90 when I finally pulled into my lane after I passed the 2 cars. I didn't think about it until after I survived, but I was driving a little too dangerous. I could have hit that car that I was heading toward. I was going 90 and I could have died. Is my life worth taking over trying to prove who's a faster or efficient driver? Is it worth taking a strangers life? Those questions came to my head after the fact. Thanks self. I've noticed that because I'm still young, my brain hasn't fully developed. It's those moments that I learn to think before doing. Actions have consequences.

Before we came into Peyton, David passes me. We turn into the road near the post office and I take a back way home as he takes the normal route. I totally ignored the fact that I put myself in danger and the questions that came into my mind. We again race. This time on different roads. To make it short, I get home and we start talking about our racing moments. He hit 100 and I hit 95 on our race home. Again, those questions come in my head. I am so convicted by this time. The joy that I've been experiencing, the revelations with God, the overwhelming peace and love, the power of the Spirit working through me... All could have vanished on here. Heaven is a better place, yes. But I don't want to meet Jesus on a moment after stupidity. The friends I would leave behind. The family I would leave wondering what had happened. There is just so much I would have wanted to explain. So much I would have wanted to talk about, pray about, and experience with. Life.

I write this to save a life. I write this to be up front with my piers and mentors. I'm not hiding anything from my life. I'm exposing it. I don't know if I would consider it sin, but I wasn't valuing my life as I should. Jesus is the reason I have hope to live and to throw it away is to spit in His face. He has forgiven me for it 10 times, but I love Him and He loves me. I don't like doing things to hurt Him. I confess. My life and your life are so valuable, we don't even know.

Nothing is mine, not this life that I have
Everything I own, oh Lord is a gift
So who am I, to hold it with a firm grip
I give You my talent, I give You my time
I give You my eyes, I give You my mind

Lyrics by Flame - Tonight (All Of Me)

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